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March 29th, 2005


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strangegoddess
06:14 pm
Hello everyone.
I'm Amanda and I'm 24. I've been writing since I was about 7(had a very supportive English teacher in junior high).
I'm a Visual Arts student for Newfoundland, Canada.
I'm looking forward to having a group outside of university to critique poetry with.
I'm graduating this year and will miss my creative writing classes.
hopefully I will be a good contributor to the group if you'll have me:)

(3 comments | Leave a comment)

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[User Picture]
From:mego15
Date:April 3rd, 2005 12:54 pm (UTC)
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ok here is your poem to critique

Strange Little Horse

I've got this strange little horse
taking me to the screams of the red, scalding scars
and I'm descending into the pureness of darkness.

I'm dancing my soul to Mahasona
and his Hindu self-mutilators
in their private cemetary
to keep the blood halos from falling into
the hands of hell.

Me and a stange little horse
nothings going to stop me from
dimming the light in the dark
and I haven't tasted the peace of my strawberry ice cream.

Mommy dearest and blissful daddy
I burned my bible so it could bilocate
in the innonce of the starfucker
and the demons that caused me to bleed a thousand church bells.

But when you tell the raving angels
my name
they'll only think nothing but the meat
they left rotting and letting the fruitflies infest.

And yet this strange little horse is my
star of the sea
and she will supply me my spirtual healing.

Me and a stange little horse
nothings going to stop me from
dimming the light in the dark
and I have tasted the peace of my strawberry ice cream.
`jinx26
[User Picture]
From:strangegoddess
Date:April 4th, 2005 07:32 pm (UTC)
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ok here goes.

Strange Little Horse

I've got this strange little horse
taking me to the screams of the red,
scalding scars
and I'm descending
into the pureness of darkness.(is there another way to say this? its a little cliché and the sounds seem a little clumsy with both words having the same "ness" sounds)

I'm dancing my soul to Mahasona
and his Hindu self-mutilators
in their private cemetery
to keep the blood halos from falling into
the hands of hell.

Me and a strange little horse
nothings going to stop me from
dimming the light in the darknot sure about "light in the dark", its been used so many times before. Perhaps being more clear at this point in the poem would help? Less metaphor perhaps?
and I haven't tasted the peace of my strawberry ice cream.

Mommy dearest and blissful daddy
I burned my bible so it could bilocate this is not a word,
in the innocence of the starfucker
and the demons that caused me to bleed a thousand church bells. that metaphor isn’t needed. the line is powerful enough with just "caused me to bleed" and the eariler use of "starfucker"

But when you tell the raving angels
my name
they'll only think nothing but the meat this line seems a bit clumsy somehow. perhaps a rewording? my suggestion is "they'll think nothing of the meat"
they left rotting and
letting the fruit flies infest.

And yet this strange little horse is my
star of the sea. i like this as the ending. the repeating of the other lines seems more like a song technique.
and she will supply me my spiritual healing.

Me and a strange little horse
nothings going to stop me from
dimming the light in the dark
and I have tasted the peace of my strawberry ice cream.




there is a lot of unnecessary metaphor here. lovely use of words though but its needs a bit of trimming. I LOVE this line:
"I'm dancing my soul to Mahasona
his Hindu self-mutilators"
I'd also suggest sing more line breaks in certain places. This seems more like a song in some places. I'm assuming its not meant to be and editing it as such.




and we're left with this:


Got this strange little horse
taking me to the screams
of red, scalding scars
and I'm descending.

I'm dancing my soul to Mahasona.
His Hindu self-mutilators
keeping the blood halos from
the hands of hell.

Nothings going to stop me
dimming the light in the dark
and I haven't tasted the peace of strawberry ice cream.

Mommy and daddy
I burned my bible so it could bilocate
the innocence of the starfucker
and the demons that caused me to bleed.
Tell the raving angels my name
they'll think of nothing but the meat
left rotting
letting the fruit flies infest.

This strange little horse is my
star of the sea.
[User Picture]
From:mego15
Date:April 5th, 2005 07:14 pm (UTC)
(Link)
concrats your in..start posting and critiquing.

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